Hey there,
It's been a few days since my last post, things have been kind of busy. I didn't really do much this weekend, went to the movies and watched Finding Nemo in 3d, went to pushing carts and the football game in the rain on Saturday, and studied ever since then. I have a human anatomy midterm on Thursday that I am going to struggle with. I need to pull up my socks a little bit and start getting more on top of things, and stop being distracted!
Speaking of distractions I was chatting with a friend from camp today and I was reminded of how freaking much I miss and love a guy from the summer. This guy is possibly one of the most amazing people I know. He has a wonderful smile, and eyes that anybody could drown in. He is super nice and friendly and a little wild, but in an amazing way. He can pull me back to earth, and humble me like none other. He gives the best hugs in the entire world and could always make me feel better, no matter how upset I got. I actually felt sad when he was upset, and it hurt so much to leave him at the end of the summer. This summer was really weird too. It started off fine, we worked together last year so we just kind of went back to being good friends, but then we would have crazy adventures together, like getting lost in the woods and exploring for a while on canoe, and playing in the rain on a slip and slide, beach trips in the dark, even riding in the car with the music blasting and him singing along (did I mention he has a wonderful singing voice?). Things were definitely different than they were last summer though. Maybe it was because last year I was kind of lost and he helped me find my way or maybe it was entirely me overreacting and things were exactly the same as last year. Both are huge possibilities.
This is actually all I have been able to think about ever since I started talking to my friend earlier today. Last week I was in a huge group of people and we called him to help solve an argument and I almost started crying right there because I missed this boy so very much. So far tonight has been more or less the same, sitting at my desk trying to study for my anatomy midterm and he keeps popping into my head, memories of the good times we had together, regrets on how I was too scared to talk to him and tell him how I feel. That is actually one of my biggest regrets right now. I wanted to so many time, but kept putting it off, not wanting to make things awkward, or not wanting to stress him out, or being worried about a friend who he may or may not have liked, but really just being too scared of rejection to tell him.
I am not usually someone who feels emotions at all. I haven't had a wonderful childhood (it hasn't been awful either) so I learned through the years that sometimes it is better to not let people get too close because then it won't hurt you as much when they don't return your phone calls, or get new friends. I have had a barrier up ever since I was younger and have ran away from my emotions for a long time now and then he broke all that down, when very few before him have managed to do so.
I hate that I am still thinking about him in this way, when he clearly doesn't think about me at all, never initiating contact, and taking forever to reply to a message if at all, he is always the one to end the short conversation we have. Maybe it's a guy thing, maybe he's just being dumb, maybe he is still as blind as he was this summer when he had no sweet clue how much it affected me just to see him and how I melted everytime he smiled, or laughed, or sang.
I am going to see him in a few weeks at a youth retreat at the camp we worked at this summer, and I don't know whether I should talk to him there, and risk ruining everything, but he doesn't plan on going back to camp so when will I ever see him again anyway? Nothing ventured nothing gained right? This is something that isn't an easy decision and I know I will never be able to communicate anything in person, but I think I am going to write a letter.Sorry to anyone out there who actually took the time to read this entire thing, I realize how crazy unorganized it all is, but it really helped me sort out what in the world I should do.
Until tomorrow,
Britt
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